The Fail Trait

04 Jan 2021 Admin

I haven’t posted for some time and the reason to write this post is also for my selfish reasons. I took a decision in December 2010 for which am taking a re-decision in 2020 December.
The main reason for this post is to answer few frequent questions like whether I am going to make a feature film? What am I doing in the film industry? To clear all the doubts as to what am I doing in this industry I am writing this post. People who don’t have enough time may skip this post and save your valuable time. It’s going to be a lengthy post – more like a statement.
A 3650 days of daydreaming of mine comes to an end. I have decided to quit cinema hunt for good. I accept my defeat because for the past 10 years of my life I haven’t earned a single penny from this industry, but I have lost what I have earned I don’t want to lose anymore, I don’t have the heart for it anymore.
The main reason for my failure is my attitude, the pride attitude of being a student of Sir Balumahendra. I haven’t assisted to any directors just because once my mentor said looking at me “You are now fit to direct you own movie, don’t waste your time, start writing” I don’t know what made him say that but from then on, I never tried to work as an assistant. Once a friend had joined me with his director which I had to reject in half days’ time such was my attitude.
I have met numerous producers, one became a very good friend of mine but didn’t offer me a film, I guess it was because of my choice of storyline or I may not be from the old school system. I tried to change the story and revamped the line of the theme to satisfy him, but it all ended up in vain. I couldn’t convince him. I failed again.
Some of my friends in the industry started working as assistant directors, amongst them one gave me some suggestions on how to approach a producer, am sharing the same as such,
“You shouldn’t be approaching the producer’s office like an IT company, you should wait at the gates of the producer’s office, you should be like a watchman, your skills aren’t accounted here, you should beg for the opportunity, you should be ready to kiss his ass and most importantly you should be a YES man” from his golden words I understood that there should be no self-esteem. I continued my search.
I once got a call from Coimbatore, the one who called introduced himself as a producer, without any shame he directly asked me to do a pimp’s job, with the amount of anger I had blasted him where I found words to be less in pronouncing. At last, he cursed me saying you wouldn’t become a director with this nature, guess his curse has come true (Just kidding) I continued my search.
Again, my well-wisher friend motivated me to beg for chances, he reminded me that everyone in this industry has once begged to get a chance and I started banging doors again. But I guess because of my devil’s attitude the godly humans didn’t give me any alms. The begging initiative ended up in failure.
Looking at my situation my sister and brother decided to help me out, they helped me to start a YouTube channel. The YouTube channel started with a bang, unlike cinema YouTube was a different ball game before we could realize that Covid19 - Corona Virus came in and we had to shut down the process with a heavy sorrow because we were a 3 member team and we never had the funds to proceed further in the pandemic. Channel was a bomb. I failed again.
With this continuous failure I decided to stop daydreaming about Film making! Because you don’t need the knowledge of film making here! all you need was good contacts. With this new acquired knowledge of film making which I didn’t have much, I feel that I won’t be making films in the near future with no contacts in hand which is the naked truth. This truth was so hard hitting that it succumbed the 10 years of wait and shame to glory. My heart wasn’t ready to accept the defeat but no matter how many reasons you give failure is always a failure, I had to accept it and to accept it am writing this as a statement.
Yes, I failed!
I thank all the legends who tried to teach me, how to write screenplay and story writing better than the only legend I know sir Balumahendra.
Am not ending my film career here but I won’t be begging for chances anymore. I would continue to make short films in which I have my freedom to execute for which I don’t have to please anyone or anybody.
This post is not an emotional post as such and I don’t need your sympathy or empathy for the same. This is just a statement about me failing in cinema and accepting it so that the people who are awaiting this eagerly can rejoice with confident, period.
I thank everyone who had been a part of my journey, I very well know that only a very few would read and like it though there are many who had supported me in their prayers.
2010’s decision comes to an end in 2020’s, this post would help me in remembering this in 2030’s.
Wishing you and your family a happy and a prosperous new year ahead.
With a pride attitude,
Thanks and Regards,
Sivaraj Parameswaram
31 December 2020